Hi, my name is Buffy

“Hi, I’m Buffy.” Smile, that’s it open the mouth a little wider, show those teeth, be happy, be upbeat. “Hi, I’m Buffy. What a nice day; good to be alive and kicking.” Buffy brushed her hair back from her face, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. The others didn’t seem to notice anything different about her since her foray into the land of the dead. They thought she was back, grateful and whole; saved by her friends who had no idea what they’d done. She looked at herself again; she saw the pain and sadness shining clearly in her eyes. Even her fake little smile and bright voice seemed to betray her torment--but they didn’t see. They patted themselves on the back and congratulated themselves on a job well done. No matter that they had wreaked such pain and devastation on her that not even the cruelest of demons had been able to manage.

Buffy straightened her spine, pushed back her shoulders and tried again; a bright smile firmly pasted on her face. “Hi, I’m Buffy. How am I? Well, gee, just fine and dandy. Was dead for awhile. What? No, it was nice, really. Heaven’s definitely better than in the brochures. What’s it like being back? Well after heaven everything else is a little flat, you know what I mean? No? Oh well, never mind. Have a nice day.”

It was weird really; as she was falling through the air--her life draining from her--she had known that no matter what, her sister would be safe. Oh, Buffy had known it wouldn’t have been her friends that would care for her orphaned sister. Or her father for that matter. No, it would have been one of the very creatures that she had fought for so long; her knight in battered armor would care for Dawn as if she were his very own. It was kind of weird thinking of Spike like that; after all he was supposed to be the big bad. But she knew; at that moment she knew. Spike loved the Summers women, and he would give his all to protect the sole surviving one. That one thought had given her a peace she had never known before; even when she had been in heaven she had remembered that she had attained her reward before her final death.

Well not final death really, ‘cause hey here she was--alive again.

“Buffy?” Dawn’s voice floated up the stairs, pulling her from her thoughts.

“Coming, Dawn.” Buffy turned her head and shouted her answer in her calmest, non-depressed voice, before turning back to stare at her reflection one more time. “Hey, Dawnie, how was your day? Yeah, that’s sounds ok.” Heading towards the door, Buffy plastered one of her much-practiced smiles into place. Time for the show to begin again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Buffy stood outside Spike’s crypt. She didn’t quite know why she was here; she just was. Most nights she found herself standing here--waiting for Spike to emerge and join her on patrol. The closest she got to feeling anything at all was when she was with Spike. Maybe because he didn’t expect her to be happy? He just went with her, filled the night with annoying banter and stinky cigarette smoke and just let her be.

He didn’t question, he didn’t look at her in expectation; Spike simply accepted. Buffy watched as the door creaked open and Spike emerged. “Ok, luv, where to tonight?”

“Bleaker’s woods.” Buffy waited until he fell into step beside her, his nod the only indication he had taken any notice of what she had just said.

“Bit home?”

Weird how Spike always started the night asking about Dawn, but then he loved her little sister, and when Spike loved someone he gave his all to them. He had said he loved her too…before. The idea of that gave her courage; sparked something deep inside that had lain shrouded in ice since her return.

“I came back wrong.” There it was said; it felt good to voice her thoughts.

“Why do you say that?” Spike didn’t rush to reassure or deny her statement, just asked for more information.

“I don’t feel anymore. Inside everything’s numb.” Buffy turned them down a path, towards the creek that ran through the woods. “I have to force myself to be with people. I don’t want to slay anymore. Everything I do and say is because it’s what’s expected of me. But I feel…nothing.”

Spike stopped; cocking his head to the side, he studied her for a moment. “Never been in hell before, ‘spect I’ll find out one day. Don’t think I’ll be coming back like you did, though, luv.”

Buffy stopped, looking at the ground she frowned to herself. “Wasn’t hell.”

Spike stared at her, Buffy expected to see disbelief…pity even. Instead she saw anger settle across him; radiating from him in waves. “Those bloody idiots.” Spike began to stalk around her as he started to rant. “No idea what they’re meddling in. Didn’t bloody care either, I bet. They just wanted you back so their bleedin lives would be easy again. Selfish…”

“They didn’t know, Spike.” Buffy defended her friends automatically, her voice flat and emotionless.

“Didn’t care ‘s more like it.”

Buffy shrugged. “Anyway, I think it…whatever it was they did. I don’t think it worked properly, because I don’t really care what happens--to me, to the world. So I must have come back wrong. Do you think I left something behind? Up there, I mean.” Buffy cast her eyes to the heavens. “Maybe I don’t have a soul anymore; maybe it’s still up there with Mom.”

Spike clasped her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. “Don’t believe that for a second, Slayer. You’re probably suffering from that post traumatic stress thing they talk about.”

Buffy found herself searching his eyes, drowning in the sincerity and compassion that filled them.

“You’ll start to feel again; when the time’s right. You’ll see.”

Buffy felt a small crack of warmth seep inside her. Maybe…Spike always seemed to know more about her than anyone else ever did, so just maybe he was right.

A noise off to her left caught the pair’s attention; Buffy stared in the direction the sound had come from for a moment. “I suppose I should go and check on that; someone might need help.”

Moving through the trees, Buffy found herself standing on a small incline, the stream a few meters in the distance. Near the creek stood two large demons, busying themselves with something on the ground--something that was hidden in the shadows. A smaller demon was crouching down near the creek’s edge.

“Lathitra demons.” Spike came to stand beside her. “They’re herbivores, Slayer, not a threat to anything but a few plants and weeds. Good to have around if you want a big garden but don’t wanna look after it yourself. They just eat everything that shouldn’t be there.” Spike frowned. “That little one shouldn’t be so close to the water. Lathitra can’t swim.”

Buffy stood beside Spike watching the scene before her. These demons were a family. She watched as one of the larger ones moved to pull the little one away from the water’s edge. Yes, definitely a family; loving and caring. They had what she’d once had; when her mom was alive.

Buffy suppressed a small giggle as the Lathitra child ran circles around its parent; obviously enjoying the impromptu game of catch it had instigated. Her breath hitched though when the child tripped over a small rock, losing its footing and tumbling towards the water--the momentum of the fall propelling the child into its depths.

Spike rushed forward, the small demon’s parents’ calls of distress urging him to move. As he reached the water’s edge a blonde blur flew past him; almost reaching the demon child before breaking the waters surface.

Buffy grasped hold of the panicked child. “Hey, it’s ok, I’ve got you.” She tried to soothe the thrashing child as she attempted to keep both of them from going under the water again. “Shhh shhh, it’s alright. You need to stop fighting so I can help you.” The terror held in the demon’s eyes propelled her to tighten her grip and move them more forcefully towards the bank.

After a few more minutes of struggle, Buffy felt the muddy bottom of the stream. Looking up, she saw Spike, waist deep in the water with his arms outstretched to take her burden. Behind him the child’s parents continued to gurgle and fret as the child was pulled to the bank.

Buffy rose from the water, the night air causing her to shiver as it hit her damp skin. Exhausted, she flopped to the ground beside the child, puzzled as the look of terror remained in the child’s eyes, and its parent’s keening distress continued to rise in volume.

“You might wanna move back from the little one a bit, Slayer.” Spike picked up his coat and offered it to her.

“Huh?”

Spike nodded towards the demon family. “Don’t think they’re too comfortable with the slayer bein’ so close, luv.”

Buffy’s eye’s widened. “Oh,” she said softly. Turning to face the family again, Buffy consciously softened her face, letting what she hoped was a reassuring smile settle across her mouth. “Is the little one ok?” Buffy made sure her tone was non-threatening, injecting her concern for the child’s welfare into her voice.

She waited patiently for the parents to calm, before addressing the child. “Hi.” Buffy smiled widely at the child. “My name’s Buffy. What’s yours?”

“K... Keyea.” The child hiccupped out the name, eyes wide as she watched the slayer carefully.

“Keyea, that’s a pretty name.” Buffy darted a glance at the parents. “I think you scared your mom and dad pretty good.”

Keyea turned to watch her parents before looking back towards Buffy. “I fallded.” A small thumb popped into her mouth.

‘Dawn’ Buffy felt her heart constrict a little as an image of her sister as a toddler flashed into her mind; Dawn had fallen from a swing and had sat sobbing in her big sister’s arms as their parents had rushed from the house. “Yes, you did.” Buffy noticed a small scrape on the child’s leg. “Oh, and you bumped your knee.” Bending her head low Buffy blew softly across the wound, just as she had done for Dawn all those years ago.

Gently she gathered Keyea up, taking her to where her parents stood and passing her to them. “You know, since my mom died...” Buffy let the lump in her throat settle before continuing. “Since my mom died I haven’t really had time to look after her garden.” She turned to study Spike as he watched her; head cocked to one side as though trying to work out what was going on in her head. Turning back to the Lathitra family Buffy smiled again, briefly noting that it came more easily this time. “You’re welcome to come there anytime. You won’t be harmed,” she reassured them. “I would like it if you came.” Buffy wiggled her fingers at Keyea. “I think there might even be a few of Dawn’s old toys in the basement for this little one to play with if she wants.”

The larger of the parents gurgled something before nodding and shuffling the family away.

“He said thank you, Slayer.” Spike came to stand beside her. “How are you going to stop the Scoobies from demanding that you slay ‘em?”

Buffy crossed her arms, determination steeling her body. “Well, it’s my house and they’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Dawn’ll probably think it’s great.”

“Dawn.” Buffy grabbed Spike by the hand, and pulled him back in the direction they had come from. “We have to go home.”

“Buffy?”

“I have to tell her.” Buffy tugged his hand more urgently.

“I don’t think they’re gonna show up tonight, luv.”

“No, not about them.” Buffy stopped suddenly, causing Spike to crash into her. “I have to tell her where I was.” Buffy stroked her hand down the side of Spike’s face, giggling at the confused look on his face. “I just realized that she deserves to know. Where I was. What I feel. Will you come with me? Please?”

Spike nodded. “Only need to ask, luv. Willin’ slave here.” Spike pressed the palm of his hand to his heart.

“Thank you.” Buffy turned so that their bodies were now flush, before wrapping her arms around him. “You were right, you know,” she whispered. “That I would start to feel again when the time was right.”